Dear Ashlyn,
I don’t even know where to begin. I feel like an apology isn’t enough. But what do you think. Are you even here right now. Can you hear me. Can you feel me. I know I’ve been obtuse. I’ve walked around eyeless to your presence. Earless to your cries. Callous to your emotions. Perhaps that is what led to your demise. But even after, I remained unchanged.
Why is that. I remembered a time when we were once close. You were a large portion of my soul. Do you remember college. That was when I discovered you. You were so strong. We explored our possibilities together. Do you remember the late night writing sessions. Spending all that time creating something until right before the eye of the sun peaked over the edge of the world. What about our film assignments. Editing each and every film to perfection. We even stayed in the film department, one night. Working on our final project until midnight. Not even once taking a break for food, because we were swept up in a euphoria that was common to us. But we finally had to stop because our brain was toast, and we ended up getting McDonalds at about midnight. I will never forget every feeling I had experienced all those years. It’s the one thing I would kill to bring back.
So what happened. You remained by my side even after college. But I could tell you were becoming weak. And it was all my fault. I let myself get caught up in the predispositions of the outside world. This world that forced its concepts onto me. You would not help me to obtain a job. You would not help me obtain a living. In the beginning I fought to defend you. I could even feel your influence on me from time to time. Before I obtained my first job, we created small pieces of writing. Even when I had a brief contract job making wedding videos. But as time went on, my fighting grew feeble. As did your existence. My state of mind deteriorated, much like you did.
I will never forget when I began to feel it. It started out small. Some days I would think about my job and my future. But then it grew. Those thoughts would stick, and soon my whole life revolved around them. It went from rejecting a few times to write to completely ignoring the urges because I was so tired. I now realize, those attempts were you. But they were so weak from my downfall. I never did anything to stop it. And that was my mistake. I never realized the costly price until it was too late. I had dug the inexorable hole and pitched you in. With each offer you presented before me to do the things I had loved, I listlessly dug the shovel into the loose dirt and tossed it onto you. Not shedding an ounce of benevolence as I watch your body go lifeless beneath the surface. Your voice became soft, compared to the voice of the outside world. Your influence became weak compared to the influence of the outside world.
I hate myself. I let that outside world get to me and I never did anything to stop it. I should have been strong like you were those years ago. I should have fought harder to keep you. But I didn’t. I’m so weak. I never deserved you to begin with. You were a gift to my soul that I partook and never returned the favor. For that, I feel like an apology will never be enough.
What I want now more than anything, is to feel you right beside me once again. Even now, as I write this. I need your guidance. Inspiring me to create more. But that will never happen. I got what I deserved; a tortured soul, haunted by the mere memory of exhilaration. I only wish you could forgive me, wherever you are. I wish you peace from the nethermost part of my disposition. I love you.
Sincerely
Alyssa
Nicole Rousseau 